True Blood Season 7 Ep 1 (Premiere) – “Jesus Gonna Be Here” Synopsis/Review … MAJOR SPOILERS! V””V

Well my fellow True Blood Fans here we are again ……The beginning of the end ….. The final season ….  and here I am again (Because let’s be honest now where else would I be?) so  let the spoilers and snarking begin!  For those of you new to the me for the True Blood season (seriously where have you been for the last several years?)…  let me start with my normal disclaimer …. BLAH BLAH BLAH … my spoiler reviews are long, detailed and opinionated.  I speculate, bitch and generally focus on the points that I want to and for the most part I skip over a lot that doesn’t interest me.   My favorite lines are listed at the bottom, assuming I found any … as the seasons have progressed the numerous gems have started to feel more like trying to find needles in a haystack  (feel free to tell me any you liked that I didn’t use) and sometimes I add in random musings just because!

Still with me? Right then here we go!!  At the end of Season 6 we didn’t have the huge number of overwhelming, gut wrenching, scream at the TV cliffhangers that True Blood (*Cough Alan Ball Cough*) has become known for (If you missed it, or like my husband failed to care enough to remember, click HERE for my season 6 finale recap), instead we had all the vamps lose their day walking ability and Eric “apparently” trapped and left to his demise in the middle of nowhere (Yup not sure anyone really bought that would be his end) and then the weird flash forward a few months later where Sookie and Alcide are a couple (gag), Sam is Mayor (ummm OK), and Arlene owns Merlottes (Now Bellefleurs) and they are all hosting a “Vampire for Every Human” mixer as Hep V is everywhere, humans are contaminated, and most of the vampire population is now doing impressions of the Walking Dead – and heading to Bon Temps for dinner!

 

Well we pick up right there. Before I even get started on them let me state it was obvious that the writers hadn’t thought this Hep V thing through.  The rules aren’t really working (as in they are making them up as they go along) and with all supernatural shows YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE RULES!!!! Ugh!!!!!! Right then with that out the way bring on the premiere!!!  The Mixer is under attack!!! Yes those walking dead hep V Vamps seem to have found Bon Temps and it is dinner time and this means fighting and it means a bloodbath.  For an opening segment it is certainly action packed.  The opening credits haven’t even rolled and Arlene, Holly, Kevin, Jane (Bodehouse)  and Nicole (Sam’s pregnant girlfriend – remember her?) have all been taken by the Hep V Vamps (For lunch later? – not quite sure what causes the kill this one – take this one plan) so Sam shifts (into his dog form ….. of course that is what you need for chasing down psycho vamps) and Alcide shifts into his (much smaller looking or that just me) wolf and they take off after the grab and goes.

Tara is guarding her mom and we get to see that she still remembers some of her cage fighting skills … WOO HOO,  Go Tara!! Jason’s new vamp Violet does a stabbing scene straight out of the Matrix and when all looks completely lost suddenly there is this whistle from the distance…… and all the Hep V Vamps super vamp speed out of there.  Yep they just stop everything and are gone. Ummmmm WHAT???  Hmmmmmm no clue yet as to who (or what)  made this whistling noise and even less so as to why they all responded it to it.  WEIRD! Even more weird…. NO ONE else questions it they just work on salvaging those that are alive and trying to come up with a plan to survive themselves ………..which is when we see Lettae Mae all covered in vamp goo screaming that TARA IS DEAD……

ROLL OPENING CREDITS (which I am pleased haven’t changed as a side note …. and Rutina Wesley was still mentioned (Tara) .. but the main man himself Alexander Skarsgaard was missing …… deliberately I’m sure to keep up the ruse that he is gone….. Or perhaps he will be in it as a “Guest star” …… that doesn’t sound interesting …

For the rest of the show, after that extreme opening there really isn’t too much exciting stuff to write about. Lots of things are set up ……. but anyway here are my thoughts ….

For the record I would bet money that this isn’t the last we have seen of Tara (not only with Rutina being in the credits) but this seems like a rather lame get out for such a big character.  Not even an on screen death? Hmmmmmm I don’t think so. My bet would be either Lettae Mae is delusional and with her eyes screwed up tight in fear she opened them and was  covered with vamp goo and assumed it was Tara because Tara wasn’t there – or Lettae Mae is delusional and saw the Hep V Vamps drag Tara off after killing the one she was fighting with and doesn’t want to deal with that.  There is the one other option that possibly Pam needed her and “Called her” but that is such a stretch I only mention it because it did flash through my mind.

One person missing from the mixer gone bad was Andy.  He stayed home with his Fae daughter Adelyn and Jessica stands as an unwanted guard outside obviously still feeling guilty over killing the other girls last season.  Andy gets the call about the fiasco and rushes over to help although is obviously conflicted about leaving Adelyn alone.  As a lovely thank you to Jessica his parting words are that he bets she didn’t over hear that Tara was dead. Oh that’s really classy Andy. *rolls eyes*.    Hmmmmm Actually I can save a whole lot of time with the rest of the Adelyn / Jessica plot right now (although it drags on through the episode) ….. Adelyn should hate Jessica but doesn’t and they chat on and off about boys etc until a rogue Hep V Vamp turns up to eat her.  Jessica protects her and manages to get her to drink a couple of drops of her blood so she always knows where she is … and then as the sun rises and Jessica and the bad vamp start to fry in the sun Adelyn invites Jessica in and saves her, sending her to the attic for the day as the bad vamp explodes in a fireball on the porch. Hmmmmm Adelyn I don’t think your daddy is going to approve of that one!

Back at the bar the aftermath of the attack is being dealt with and no one seems to be suffering more than Sookie with almost Season 1 level lack of control over her telepathy.  Was this what they meant when they were saying we were going back to basics? Only good thing to come out of it was Sookie got to hear that Alcide, just like the rest of the town, thinks everything is Sookie’s fault.  Not exactly true but hey anything that stops Sookie/Alcide action is fine with me!  Sookie takes off letting no one know where she is going and then throwing her cell phone away.  Yep good old Sookie! Oh on the way home she trips (literally) over a dead body …. as they zoom in to show who it is I am assuming this is going to be important.  Sookie just leaves her though and heads on back on her merry way.

While all this is going on there are a little gathering of  “New” folks who we will call the “Wanna Be Justice League” (For no other reason than it amused me) ….  just keep popping up this whole episode.  Firstly here at the bar (where one of them sees Sam change from Dog to Human ……. yes that helps), and they are all about killing the vampires .. ALL the vampires ….. so we know this is going to end well.  Sam manages to calm them down and convince them to go home (ummmmm how much do you wanna bet THAT’s not going to happen) but they are out of the picture for now.

Sadly Sookie makes it home OK and Alcide eventually gets there and they have a fight all based on Sookie reading his thoughts.  Oh it’s not fair …. yes Alcide it’s not fair.  This was the dumbest exchange of the night …… It’s not my fault .. I know it’s not your fault …. I know …. I know … You are telling me something I know …. BLAH!!! DULL DULL DULL …. could be worse I suppose … they could be shagging … oh wait they get to that …much later in the episode when everyone is sorry and she goes to bed and that is BLAH too … UGH SOOKIE ….. go find a vamp!!!!

Sam rallies around at the bar with his whole “vampire for every human” bit and sends them all home.  Weird though a vamp tells Sam he needs to follow the same protocol and set an example…… can’t this vamp tell he’s a shifter? He doesn’t know? Or did they forget? Or is he pretending?  More rules just ignored…. ANNOYING!

Mmmmmmm on the plus side we get to meet “New James”.  Remember James? The cute, Johnny Depp kinda reminding vamp that Jessica hooked up with at the compound? Well yes they are still together but we have a whole new actor playing him and HELLO!!!!  Wow he really reminds me of Johnny Depp now, and my husband, so yes he can say! I approve lol.   Of course I still think they could have just introduced him as a whole new vamp but as he is an improvement I’m in lol.  He takes Lala home and they seem to hit it off quite well…..smoke some drugs ….. maybe some more fun for Lala in the future? We get a nice bit of James history to fill in the time and overall he has potential.

Taking a break from the whole Bon Temps thing we finally shoot across to find out what the hell is going on with Pam and (yes we are all hoping for some Eric but I can tell you not this episode …..). Pam is in Morocco searching for her maker (which would obviously be easier had he not released her) and looking exhausted. We later find out there is no “Clean” blood (I am assuming this means Hep V Free) there and she won’t feed on the child offered.  When we see her she is playing a game of Russian Roulette with wooden bullets against another vamp who seems to think Allah will save him and has 27 times in the past (Make that 28). (Side note – this vamp looks like Tim Curry …… he didn’t until my friend the Wench pointed it out … so thanks Wench for that image and he will forever been known now as the Tim Curry Wannabe Vamp).  Well Pam wins, the vamp becomes goo, and winnings are collected but the big prize seems to be info on where Eric may be.  She eventually gets a map but apparently this is not news she wants – more on this to follow I am guessing *sigh*.

Another more interesting pairing – Jason and Violet – they are on their way home and when they get there they meet the Wanna Be Justice League.  Yes I told you they keep popping up.  Violet’s answer is to just be in charge and threaten to kill them all.  Sounds like a plan to me!  Jason, however, is not so keen on having his masculinity handed to him because he is HERS and isn’t interested in playing nice with the humans.  Go Jason!  So normally I would be on Violet’s side here but this little outburst gets Jason to go all season 1 and decide he IS going to have sex with Violet whether she agrees or not (obviously she agrees … I mean it isn’t like he is going to be able to do much if she didn’t) but we finally get some clothes ripping, over the bonnet of the car, good old sex!!! FINALLY!!! Something that we WANT to see lol.

From a pairing I care about to one that I don’t but I guess it needs mentioning.  Lettae Mae and Reverend Daniels have taken Willa back to their place.  Lettae Mae is freaked out (She healed using Willa’s Blood) and now thinks she can see Tara (We don’t get to see Tara) and Tara is trying to tell her something. Her soul is trapped … she can’t move on ….. UGH … I DON’T CARE!! Seriously .. I don’t.  This only gets a mention because Willa is there and has no where to go and for now is going to be sleeping in Rev. Daniels church basement.  Also Willa  notes that “Eric’s gone and Pam’s gone” …. as her maker I think there would be more context there if Eric was actually dead. Interesting that it was mentioned along with Pam and the EXACT same phrasing. Just my little observation …..

Oh and it is time for the “Wanna Be Justice League” again. This time they have followed Andy and Bill to an abandoned slaughterhouse looking for the Hep V Vamp nest.  They manage to find evidence they have been there (in the form of hanging, drained, decomposing bodies) but no vamps.  As a note has Bill become an even more useless vampire since losing his Billith powers? He needs Andy and the flashlight and can’t smell (or hear) that 1. there are no vamps there right now and 2. that they are about to find a room full of corpses?   Of course the “Wanna Be Justice League”  thinks it is all Bill’s fault and they are ready to kill him now and ask questions later.  Andy points out that he has more reason than any of them to kill Bill and takes the gun …. which of course he turns on them and sends them all home.  Wow “Wanna Be Justice League”  you strike out 3 for 3.

Others that are striking out are the captured crew from the beginning who we find chained up in Fangtasia’s basement.  Nice to know Eric still kept all that stuff down there.  Kevin, Holly, Arlene, Nicole, and Jane Bodehouse (Ummm ok???)  with all of them freaking out except Holly who seems to be trying to stay calm.  A vamp comes down and starts sniffing them all (now at that point my money would have been on Holly …. doesn’t she live with Andy and his Fairy daughter? I would be thinking that she smelled GOOD!!!) but no …. he goes for Kevin and apparently doesn’t want to share and kills him on the basement stairs while the girls scream on.

Morning has arrived and all non vampire residents of Bon Temps are at church.  Yes even Sookie and Alcide join them and Sookie places her hand on Lettae Mae’s shoulder and gets a mouthful of abuse for her trouble.  Lettae Mae says what basically the whole church is thinking and Sookie gets to hear it all.  She rushes out but pauses to let them know that she can HEAR them all and then we get a fairly moving speech about how she has always lived there, and that even though they all blame her she still loves them all and that if they are going to win this fight and save any of them they need to let her help.  AND THEN IT ENDS ……… Ummmm where is my cliffhanger …. where is my yell at the tv moment ….. (unless you include the bitching that they only give us 10 episodes and THIS ONE ENDED 10 minutes early …….)

UGH ….. and now we wait until next week!!!  With certain mixed emotions I both want to watch and avoid these final 9 installments …. I know there will be tears ….. Who will make it to the end???  But  honestly I’m not fooling anyone even myself ….. Sunday at 9 I WILL be watching!

V””V


Main Cast Death Count This Episode

Tara – ????? Hmmmm Maybe???? Still Not Convinced … Time Will Tell
Kevin …. I guess he counts as main cast at this point lol

true-blood-season-7-jessicas-blog-james-nathan-parsons

 

My Favorite Lines From “Jesus Gonna Be Here”

  • Pam– “My God Fucking Hates Me”
  • Pam– “Everyone I love leaves, Everything I touch Dies, So Forgive me If I don’t Share Your Faith”
  • Pam – “Your God and My God can go to a motel and have a circle jerk for all I care – I’ll be in hell having a 3 way with the devil”
  • Violet– “Why don’t you take your puny little guns back home, and go fuck your depressed homey housewives with your tiny little dicks ”
  • James – “You can laugh, you can cry, you can smoke out – to Tara and the universe it makes no difference”
  • Andy – “When you pull that trigger you are crossing a line you can’t never come back from.”

 

One response to “True Blood Season 7 Ep 1 (Premiere) – “Jesus Gonna Be Here” Synopsis/Review … MAJOR SPOILERS! V””V

  1. So, after much consideration, I decided to watch this season.
    Anywho, on to the episode. I got somewhat interested, then bored, and I fast forwarded it through some parts.
    The beginning was the best part, total vampire carnage, and then bam! Tara ‘redieded’. And me, i’m just like, eh, who cares? I never really liked Tara, she just pissed me off more and more as the series progressed. But I do admit there was something fishy about her ‘death’. 1. When we saw her, she was going all vamp WWF on that vambie (vamp zombie), and it looked like she was doing some, in the words of Charlie Sheen, major winning. I find it hard to believe the tables would turn that quickly in the few seconds that we didn’t see her, that she would be splatted. 2. Not even a smidgen of acknowledgment from Pam? I mean, isn’t there supposed to be some kind of maker/fledgling bond there? Or does Pam, like me, just not care?
    To add to this, however, I did read an interview from Rutina after the episode, that Tara is in fact ‘redeaded’ and gone. Though, i’m not sure i’m going to believe that. Actors tell lies for a living. Well, whatever, no more about Tara. She annoyed me long enough.
    Back to Sam, and his choice of vampire pursuit animal. I mean, come on, Sam? Wtf? A collie? Really? WTF is a collie going to do? He couldn’t even outrun a 67 Chevy Impala. Why not a mountain lion? Or a cheetah? Or even a damn horse.
    But no, a collie. Ok yeah, sure. So of course, him and Alcide, don’t catch them. Surprise. Don’t care about that either. Holly is okay. But Arlene is still annoying.
    Don’t care about those other people, blah blah blah.
    Some other stuff happened, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I know that Jess was protecting Andy’s daughter, and then crying a bunch because Tara died. Then a vambie comes, and is like, mmm she smells good.
    On to another gripe of mine, these vambies are fudging stupid. They are like zombies, but with a marginally better vocabulary, and less oral control. Seriously, they just seem to slobber everywhere. It’s gross.
    Pam plays Russian roulette with the Jewish Tim Curry, and that was pretty interesting. Then she goes, and gets a map from these people, and I can only assume it was drawn by the little girl that they offer her up as a snack.
    I mean, can you say worst parents, ever? Maybe they just didn’t like her because of her sub-par map drawing abilities.
    Some stuff happens with Bill, and do I care? No. I just pretty much fast forwarded any scene that had him in it. But I did see enough of him to know that it looks like he stole Donald Trumps toupee.
    Worst hair ever!!! Why haven’t they killed him yet?
    And on to Sookie. Still annoying. And apparently, now dating Alcide. Good for her, I guess. I could care less. And as for that argument, boring much?
    Sookie: How dare you think anything bad of me!
    Alcide: Don’t read my mind.
    Sookie: I read your mind!
    Alcide: It’s not fair *pouts*
    Sookie: Leave me alone *pouts*
    And then they sex later.
    Gee, Alcide, you’re dating a telepath, and she read your mind? Spoiler alert, never saw it coming. Dumb ass.
    And spoiler alert for Sookie, people think it is your fault, because it probably is, and they just don’t like you.
    Jason gets out manned by his vamp girlfriend, and that was pretty funny. Then he talks about his blue balls, and then they have sex on the hood of his police car.
    Good for him. He seemed cranky.
    And then there is James. Apparently, new James, and since I didn’t watch last season, he is new to me anyways. Dude was pretty hot. So i’m liking that.
    The story he told Lala had me pretty interested, and i’m thinking he might have gotten beat because he had a ‘close relationship’ with his friend.
    So I want more of James, and his gorgeous hair.
    And lastly, there was a serious lack of Eric in this episode., and in the credits.
    I’m assuming, they are doing this for shock value, and for pissing people off value.
    It’s stupid. Then again, those involved with this show have been known to make stupid decisions. Like not killing off Bill, and killing off Godric.
    After this show ends, give me the adventures of Eric, and Godric, and I will be a loyal watcher to that.

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