My Gothic Romance – From Vampires To Serial Killers V””V

The darkness has always called to me. While others are screaming for the monster to be killed I often find myself feeling bad for the creature who is only following their inner nature.  The vampire who loves and wants to turn the girl only to be rejected (and usually destroyed) all because he wanted eternity with them?  The Phantom that would give everything for the one he loves only to be rejected because obsession is seen as wrong? The serial killer who cuts off his hand rather than simply killing the agent with whom he has obviously fallen in love?  I have shed many tears for the fallen “monsters”, the beautiful creatures who live in the dark. Be they vampires or other I know I see things in a way that few others agree with, but those that understand, I mean really understand, will embrace my latest musings the way I embrace the veil of “otherness” that I find myself so often on the wrong side of.

Now vampires have been a “hot topic” for a while.  You can barely turn around without a “new” vampire book emerging, or with the Twilight Saga coming to a close producers desperately searching for the next tween vamp sensation (The Vampire Academy Movie would be my guess at their best shot).  Then of course you have the TV regulars, True Blood gearing up for Season 6, the Vampire Diaries just finishing Season 4 and a 5th Season and a spin-off show picked up, and the much buzz about new NBC drama Dracula.  Yes the vampires are everywhere (Still none that have stolen my heart in the way that Mitchell and crew did from the first 3 seasons of Being Human) but they are out in force.

But the thing that is amusing me is the sudden fascination with Serial Killers.  Now this is a little different for the mainstream audience.  Of course there has always been the big hits such as Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal, where it was shown how charismatic a serial killer could be.  You know that what he was doing was wrong but you couldn’t help but like him….. but find him romantic?  I cried because I thought  Hannibal choosing to sacrifice his arm rather than killing Agent Starling was just so beautiful.  Yes people looked at me as if I was crazy but I didn’t care.  There was something there.  Something darkly beautiful that called to me.  I knew why he did what he did and I thought it wonderful.

NBC have tried to bring this to the small screen but whilst I am enjoying the show, I find that the actor they chose for Hannibal is not working for me.  I don’t feel for him the way I want to, although his dinner parties are definitely amusing and the writing is superb, but for me there is no connection. I would not mourn were he to be captured.  I would not will him to escape, and I find that although I am intrigued by his plans I make no effort to seek out any further information that may be out there.   This was one step up from Dexter though.  Perhaps the first attempt to bring serial killers to television but for some reason it failed to hook me.  Still unsure as to why and I keep meaning to give it another shot, but as yet haven’t bothered.

Back to Hannibal and his casting being a complete contrast to the other TV Serial Killer featured in FOX’s The Following.  With this series having just ended I am feeling somewhat at a loss with what to do with my Monday evenings.  I miss the chapters that Joe Carroll was writing and I miss his cryptic emails and posts on Twitter.  Now do not get confused here.  It is not the actor that I am obsessing over, it is the character and it is HIS emails etc that I am missing.  With his love of Poe and completely insane agenda, he has managed, in the show, to almost hypnotize people to help him with his plan.  He is gorgeous and charming, and even as he is brutally murdering an innocent girl to teach the naughty police a lesson, I am with him 100%.  I know on some level this is wrong.  I should not be willing this serial killer to escape and encourage others to go on a murdering rampage so that he can write a book about it.  But I don’t care.  I screamed at the TV as his wife, whom he adores, betrayed him. I even yelled at him for being weak and deciding that sleeping with someone else would be OK.  I squealed like a 14-year-old fan girl when he sent me a “Tweet” before the finale asking if I wanted to see the final chapter.  I scoured through hidden messages to find coded videos and secret messages with clues that  linked to the show.  I was, and still am  hooked.

So where, does that leave me?  I am lucky in that I have my soul mate (who as far as I know is not a serial killer), that laughs at my obsessions but never tries to dissuade me.  I have a few select friends that visit with me in the darkness and smile as they know that the reality is closer than strangers would ever believe, and I have the world inside my head.  The blacks and the reds and the fields of grey where I find my peace. 




Oh a little addendum to this …. For those that feel like a wander through some dark thrilling literature I would suggest checking out Kitten K Jackson.  It is not normally something I do, advertising books, but this is a little different.  These books, Keeping Secrets and the Sequel Keeping Secrets II are not for everyone.  This is not a “happy ever after” tale.  It is a tale of obsession.  A tale of dark desires. A tale of a different kind of love.

Check them out HERE!


Tick Tock Goes The Clock ……..V””V

Tick Tock Goes The Clock ….. Echoes Through Silence Here On My Blog ……

OK so maybe that was a little dramatic but yes it has been quiet around here lately. Not because I have run out of things to muse about, followers of my Facebook page ( can vouch for that, but because I have been distracted by things that have interrupted the semi rational streaming that is required to make my blog ramblings make at least a semblance of sense.

That was the plan anyway …. a rational ordering of my near insanity, but it looks like even time cannot help there as now that I am typing so many things are flying through that where to start is confounding me.  I was going to talk about my little obsession with “The Following” (which is not vampire related at all, but definitely appeals to my darker nature), but I have decided that “Joe” deserves a blog all to himself and so that can wait.

True Blood Season 6 Trailer

Instead I am going to take that ticking clock metaphor and run with it … and talk about the upcoming season 6 of True Blood.  With the air date just 6 weeks away the videos are starting to be shown (like the one above) but with only 10 episodes this season, Alan Ball having jumped ship and the new crew failure to maintain a Show Runner while filming (no real reason has been given for the switch) and now the ominous “Beginning Of The End” statements, people are beginning to question if this could be it for our beloved vampire show.

Add into that talk that they will kill off Eric I have to say I doubt True Blood will survive that. I have tried to rationalize all the options but I think in my heart this may be it.  For some I know they will be glad to see it leave as the story has gone more than a little off the rails in the last few seasons, but I will be sad.  Even now, watching the clip below I am excited.  I want my Sunday night fix and I am counting down the days until I can get it.  So bring on the Drama, bring on the Crazy, bring on the WTF plotlines …. but most of all BRING ME MY TRUE BLOOD!!!

Waiting Sucks!




Pleasure, Pain, And The Fifty Shades Of My Darker Life V””V

In the week or so since I wrote my thoughts about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon (that seems to be everywhere at the moment) I have been interested to see that of all the musings I have written THAT is the one that has the most views.  Not the most comments but the one that people are coming in to look at. (Original Blog Fifty Shades Of Grey – My Thoughts – Warning Spoilers V””V Here)

From Facebook to Talk Shows, Magazines to Twitter,  I am amazed that this seems to be the subject of every other discussion with the general focus on how “shocking” and “erotic” the book to the extent libraries are removing copies from their shelves (proving yet again that they don’t read EVERYTHING in their libraries as many of Laurell K Hamilton’s books are far more risqué and questionable), and yet again I find myself questioning how “people” would react to the fifty shades of darkness that is my everyday life.

As I have mentioned before, inside my head is a very dark place where I constantly walk a fine line to keep me grounded in this side of reality, tethered by the love of family and friends who accept and feel no need to change me (not that they could if they wanted to).  So what is it that people are finding so compelling about a book that I could barely force myself to finish?

After much thought (and discussion) I have decided it has to be a combination of pain and control that most people do not associate with their pleasure and thus find it shocking but in a “safe” way that enables them to feel “naughty” by reading it, when the reality would just not be something they would have any idea about.

Now I am not that familiar with the whole BDSM community although I do know people who are, but what I do know is what my life is like, and that book just pales in comparison to my reality.  In my bedroom no safe words are needed. No lines are drawn and no contracts signed but then submission is not in my nature, or that of my husband.

We are both dominant and we fight for control with the winner being “forced” to “comply” (I don’t think of it as submission).  When we bite, our teeth are bared (no little love nips here), and we are both well aware that pain and pleasure is a line that we like to cross frequently.  People will argue that it is all about trust but for me it is all about that element of danger.

Which is  why I think I am drawn so much to the vampires that I love.  I crave that loss of control.  I want total abandonment of everything except that moment and not in a hearts and flowers sort of way.  For me a pair of vampires tearing through a train load of innocents to avenge the wrongs of other mortals is far more erotic than any contract to play in “the red room of pain” where there actually seems to very little ACTUAL pain inflicted despite the promising name.

But it doesn’t have to be from a vampyric point of view that this control is achieved.  Much as I love my husband I am under no delusion that he is anything other than human, but human’s have the same ability to surrender control under the right circumstances.  Take the movie 9 1/2 weeks.  Mickey Rourke inserts himself into Kim Basinger’s life and shows how good a bad romance can really be.  He never asks her permission to do what he does and at one point Kim’s character actually asks “how did you know I would react to you the way I do” and my answer to that is that it is instinctual.

On some base level we are all animals.  We hunt, we crave, we desire, and not everything we want is in our best interests and yet we do it anyway even knowing that it may not be healthy and when I say WE I refer to the few of us that ignore, or don’t have, the little voice in our heads saying it is wrong.  Our little inner vampire that wants to do bad things and enjoy them … and for those that don’t understand …. well they have Fifty Shades of Grey …..


The Taming Of The Vampire V””V

Today’s musings are a culmination of many thoughts and discussions that I have had with my lovely Lauren. I simply want to know this …. what is with society and it’s obsession with taming, or fixing, vampires?

Looking around at vampire culture as it stands right now I am amazed at how widely appealing vampires seem to have become over the last few years, and then I look again and see that it is not vampires as I love them, but rather a pale imitation of the darkness I fell in love with. Many people may say that Twilight is to blame with its broad appeal to young and old, and the beautiful love story beneath it, although if you ask me Twilight itself can definitely be read from a darker angle and really it is a tale of obsession that ends with the human being turned into a vampire….. but to be honest I usually stick Twilight and all its connotations in a separate pocket marked “not bad story idea”, and keep it out of my vampyric thoughts.

Twilight, however, is not really to blame as this “fixing” issue has been around for many years.  Probably first really noticeable in the Buffy series with Angel (who was always so much more appealing as Angellus) and then Spike who was the quintessential “Bad Boy” vamp until he fell in love … and “died” to save the world …. YUCK!

Then of course with TV you have the latest 3 incarnations, True Blood, Being Human (2 versions) and The Vampire Diaries.  True Blood emerged 5 years ago on HBO and was different and gritty and even referred to as “vampire porn”.  What started out with really little more than a cult following has become a huge success over the last 5 years launching careers and Alan Ball trying to push the boundaries but sadly sometimes missing the mark as boundaries are being pushed just for the sake of pushing rather than with a purpose.  Do not get me wrong though I will be there, glued to the set on June 10th, along with several million other people, a statistic that I would have thought years ago would never be mentioned in the same sentence as a vampire show.

Then you have Being Human, a small UK show that (at least for the first 3 seasons) was dark, different, and in my opinion compulsive viewing.  Of course the USA had to copy it but the remake is a pale imitation of the original which is so often the case and this will no longer be mentioned.  Back to the UK version and you get to meet some “Real” vampires.  Ivan and Daisy who I adore and who love being vampires and all that it involves, they kill, they laugh, they fight, and they dote on each other.  They love the adventure that being a vampire brings and have no love lost for humans.  Then there is Mitchell, who at his best destroys a train full of people because he has been betrayed by a human. The rawness, the loss of control, the complete abandonment to their nature, THIS is what I want to see.  Oh and we can’t forget Lauren, my lovely Lauren who rips out the throat of a pretty young blond outside a pub … because she can!

Oh and a very brief mention to The Vampire Diaries, mainly because I don’t really watch it but in the clips I have seen at least Damon seems to enjoy being a vampire so props for that but at the end of the day it is a show aimed at teenagers, so sadly I feel it will never compel me to view.

And so we move to literature and the complete flooding in the marketplace right now of vampire based fiction.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love that there are so many options out there and yes I do read pretty much all of them, including the Young Adult books which often have some of the more interesting historical ideas. But when it comes down to it I want the darkness.  Give me Laurell K Hamilton and the darkness that lives in her head, Give me Jeaniene Frost and her vampires that embrace who they are, Give me Anne Rice and her beautiful brat prince, but please, please so not ask my vampires to change.

I do not want them “Fixed”, I do not want them “Tamed”, I want them DARK, and VIOLENT, and I don’t want them being sorry about it afterwards.  I don’t want them to pine for their humanity I want them to embrace the darkness that is in essence for me what a vampire is.

Am I wrong? In reality the point it mute as society will at least move on to new things when they tire of this “fad”.  I have already been told that “Zombies” are the new vampires.  Well then little sheep go chase a zombie, although what you are going to find sexy in that is way beyond me.  Perhaps you are just looking for something to kill? Perhaps in fact society is darker in its thoughts than I am ….. now THAT is something to be scared of lol ….


The Blood, The Calling, and The Difference ……… V””V

Looking around Facebook I found that whilst there were many fan pages dedicated to “Vampires” and various “Vampire Characters”, over and over again these pages kept coming back to the actors that portrayed them and that was not what I was looking for.  So together with a couple of like-minded friends the  Vampire Loving Dorks  page was born.  An over 18 site where people could post and come and see news, pictures, discussions, videos, pretty much anything vampire related but with a darker take than most of the pages already out there.

We wanted a place where we could say and post what we wanted without fear of having our thoughts deleted.  Now don’t get me wrong, we knew this would not be a page that appealed to the masses and indeed we have had our opinions berated on many an occassion , with people having left and even reporting us but we have stood strong.  We do not delete the posts that disagree with what we say, tell us we are doing things wrong, accuse of us bias and misunderstanding …. we say bring it on!  We are called to the darkness that represents the true vampire.  We want the blood, the carnage, and the loss of control! We crave the seduction, the thrill, the danger and we will not apologize for it.

As any of you that follow me regularly know, this is not the first time this has been addressed.  My blog about how people have been seduced into the vampire den by their love and obsession of actors and hollywood (Original Blog Here), rather than a true appreciation of the real vampire has sparked many discussions.  And yet as I look at the page statistics it is the generic “pretty” pictures of the actors that tend to get the most likes, the most reactions, the most shares, whilst the pictures and videos that I consider to be the heart of the page are appreciated mainly by those of us that created it.

Is it that we are darker than the others that visit the page or that we are more open with our love of the macabre? Surely real vampire lovers would embrace more of the darkness and less of the Hollywood glamour?  Perhaps not, perhaps as I have often suspected, there is a very elite group that comes close to understanding the obsession whilst the majority will once again return to their safer, prettier world feeling brave and daring that they dabbled in the darkness for a spell.

And that I guess is the real difference.  For me the darkness is not a place I visit, it is where I live.  Bordering the boundaries of reality sometimes only anchored to it by those closest to me.  But those that flirt with and just dip their toe into the pool of shadows will never know the true thrill of answering the call and emerging totally in its magical embrace.


A Passion, An Addiction, And A Total Distraction! V””V

Well then followers of the page … I was in the middle of writing up this weeks summary of One Foot in the Grave for the Night Huntress Series page on Facebook when I was totally distracted by a discussion on another page I belong to about Being Human (the UK version).

The discussion started with somebody saying how they had put in Season 1 to get some screen grabs and then gotten totally distracted and ended up watching the whole thing. Which I totally understood having stopped everything just because a certain episode was on the television.  So everything was fine and then the comments started about how the show should have stayed more towards the light and that they took the “easy route” making the vampire blood thirsty.

And that was all it took to get me going.  I am always on the look out for “Wrong” opinions I can correct … be it the latest episode of True Blood (followers of mine will know that I LOVE to obsess about that), or a discussion about the history of vampires and where the legends began (Of theories there are many), What the vampire rules are (depending of course on author, legend or show), or the differences from books to TV/Movies .. I DO love to share my thoughts whether people want to hear them or not! 

Now why you may ask is this important and I have to confess in the grand scheme of things it probably isn’t but like a woman with a purpose, not understood by many I might add, off I went with a few little “thoughts” of my own.

What do they expect vampires to be like?  If they paid attention they would be aware that even as early as their happy Season 1 the vampire in question (John Mitchell) had a very dark and dangerous path having killed too many people to list before settling down to play “house” for a while.  The friendship he shared with George the dog, I mean Werewolf, was not something born out of Mitchell never having been a “bad vampire”.  Quite the opposite in fact.  It was the darkness he knew was inside him that allowed him to appreciate the smaller things in life – like watching the Real Hustle for example.

They argued that with the desecration of human life in the Box Tunnel 20 Episode they gave in to people’s expectations of what a vampire should be. Hmmmm let’s think for a minute … the humans ATTACKED his coven, KILLED one of his best friends, he was betrayed by a woman he cared about who was only using him from the very beginning, so what was he supposed to do? Sit back and say awwwww stupid humans??? WHY would ANYONE tolerate that yet alone a creature born from darkness that has been trying to justify the mistakes humans make only to have it thrown in his face?

No he does what any predator would do if you backed them into a corner and then just kept poking at them with a stick.  HE ATTACKED!!!!  He attacked, and he killed, and if you ask me, he should have been allowed to get away with it and to this day I believe that had the actor playing him not already given notice that he would be leaving they would not have gone in the direction that they did in Season 3.

Of course the big question is why does this bother me?  Why can I not just look at it and say well they are wrong but so be it.  Well ever since Dracula and then the Anne Rice novels I have been in love with the darkness that is the vampire.  I read everything, watch everything, and have done since long before the “Trendy” vampire was introduced.  My vampires are dangerous, obsessive creatures and killing is but a part of their lives whether they choose to acknowledge it or not. With over 20 years of  an adoration that has done nothing but grow and expand as time has passed (and it continues to do so ), why do people suddenly want vampires to be light and goodness.  Isn’t this really a complete contradiction of all that the true fans love?

And with that I will leave it, rant over, thoughts shared and now I wait for my true love to return to me, a man who adores me despite my over whelming obsession, who’s daily absence makes me long even more for the night as I know that then he will be by my side.




Bloodlust, The Thirst, and My Obsession V””V

Most vampire lovers have an image in their head when they hear the word “Bloodlust”. In fact with vampire movies gaining mass market popularity and the many television shows that feature serial killers (both fictional and real), I would imagine that almost anyone you talk to would have some kind of image that they could conjure up if they had to. From hungry newborns tearing through people to sate their unquenchable thirst to a human killer on a mass murdering spree, bloodlust is generally, I would suggest, synonymous with death and carnage.

Well what about a person who loves nothing more than to see vampires rip through a train full of perfectly innocent passengers?  Where does she fall into that spectrum? When is the obsession out of control? When stopping and re-watching a YouTube video over and over because it gives you chills as for once the darker side of vampire nature is being shown and embraced rather than the glossy, sparkly vegetarian version? (YouTube Video – The Thirst).  When thrilling in the fact that for once the vampire doesn’t have to “change” into a humanitarian version of themselves to be adored? Because, let’s be honest here … 95% of movies and books where the vampires aren’t either killed off, or chased into the darkness, those vampires had given up most of their vampyric tendencies and “lost” any resemblance to the creature that they really are.

So I ask you this …. am I suffering from a form of bloodlust?  My cravings for all things dark and dangerous have never been stronger.  For almost 30 years now I have immersed myself in everything vampire related that I can get my hands on. My husband frequently having to listen to comparisons and “facts”. Amused by the never-ending sources I seem to find and arguments I have about things that can never be proven and yet I will swear until the end of days that my answers are the way things are and not just my opinion.  The re-watches and re-reads of television shows, movies and books.  The scouring on the internet for anything new that may be known about the newest season of True Blood. Complaining when vampires humanize and lose the very vampire qualities that I crave.  Why do they feel the need to fit in and be “accepted”?  They could rule everything and yet over and over the story is created that the majority want nothing more than to live happily among their food source and the few that see the potential are labelled outcasts.

Where does this leave me? Well I am one of the lucky ones.  My husband loves me with a vampire ferocity second to none, despite my tenuous grasp on where the veil of reality is. He is my anchor but do not misunderstand.  He is almost as far from the light as I am.  He may not immerse himself in the supernatural in the way that I do, but pain, domination, and graveyards are as soothing to him as they are to me.  We have a connection that is as strong as any vampire mates and the continuous turmoil in my mind can often be soothed by a simple touch. Add to that he is stunning, in that classic vampire way, (I have a friend who has a picture of him adorning their wall along with more well-known vampires actors), and turns the head of almost every woman we see when we are out, (although he would deny it) because he has a power about him that is intoxicating, and you are blessed with just a glimpse of what I get to live with.

Then recently (well in the grand scheme of things anyway) I have come across other’s who to some degree or other have the same feelings I do.  Perhaps in some cases they hover closer to the lighter side than others but they are there.  While my husband works I can discuss all things dark to my heart’s content. Be it a random post on Facebook or several hours of texting and phone calls, I feel surer than ever about who I am.  I am darkness, I am pain, I am me!


 YouTube video linked is The Thirst by Various Vampires set to the song “The Thirst Is Taking Over” by Skillet